God has made me the way I am...and I am supposed to be grateful and happy to be ME...however this is not the case right now...I HATE myself, and I am not loving myself for the way I am....which is so WRONG!...coz imagine how God would feel.....
I cant do anything though...coz the feelings just do not permit me to change..I cant pinpoint the problem...could all this emptiness and hatred be due to the fact my heart is empty? and my sould is lifeless because HE is not in there?? not talking to HIM for the past half a year could be taking a toll on me..especially in these new surroundings anc challenging times....although I go to his HOUSE every week....I still have not talked to him, I go and come back without saying a word....there has been no communication what so ever, only when i'm angry..I have so much to say!!!
If I were back home, I would have family and friends to pick me up right away when they see my falling..over here I am falling but no one seems to be able to pick me up, they can only stand at a distance and care....but not lend a hand and help pick me up.....
I am so used to having support and encouragment as well as love being my driving force to keep me going...I do get love and support and the occasional encouragement here..but there is also too much negative energy around me ......something I cant seem to shake of, its like clinging on to me like a leech...
with all the big plans for the future...If things continue to go this way,those plans are best kept in the inner parts of my mind .....as thoughts without hope...simply dreams......
could all this be part of my realization after turning 19..that I finally need to find out who I am really, and set some solid priorities in life..and find a self identity I can be comfortable with?
coming here has been one of the best things ever,such a great opportunity, being lost is just wasting so much precious time.
p.s.' HE' and 'HIM' does not refer to some guy.....having said that, I end here.........
3 comments:
prasana...
u know what?
u're not alone.
i've been feeling that as well since i came here...kept thinking that i'm not good enough and that i hate myself =S
and i can assure u that that is not the best feeling ever!!
have u read my post entitled "Part 1"?? well, maybe u should go and read it, although the front part is about dating...but further down i mentioned something about self-worth.
and during one of the bible study sessions, a member once said "it's not about finding out who u are, but what HIS grace and mercy have done in ur life that makes who u are now" something like that...can't really remember the exact words.
I'm struggling here too, trying not to hate myself at times and that in times of need or good times, i'm still trying to lean on HIM as HE never forsakes me =)
maybe i kinda digressed but i guess u get my point =P hehe...pras, if u were here, i'd tell u the same thing like i always told u in college, u're never not good enough!!!
*HUGS*
Yes pras!! Whoa. When i was reading thru yr blog i was like 'yes, so true......yea! so true..' hahahaa. Not for the entire blog tho. I only agree with the part about support and encouragement and how you can feel alone at times and have an 'empty' heart..Sigh. Like ee lin says, you're not alone. Cos i really feel that way most of the time..and oh, things here are just so different!! Back home, things are more 'peaceful' in a sense, more love, more real people around you. gahhh..i wanna go homeee!
hey hey...yeah totaly agree!!! guys..we need to go back to our little island soon....hahaha....take care !! God Bless...
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